Something out of nothing ...

Thank you to everyone for your prayers for the weekend. Keeping true to form of one of my adventures, it did not lack excitement. While this one didn’t involve lost computers, nearly missed flights, detours or cars breaking down, this one DID include a trip to the emergency room :( An emergency room in West Virginia, about two hours into the trip, to be more exact! I’m not kidding ... can’t make these things up!!

Shelley and I grabbed a quick lunch before getting on our way and we had made it to the south side of Columbus when I started to develop a really bad side ache. After another half hour or so, I finally told Shelley about it and asked her to stop a minute to let me try to ‘walk it out’. I walked for about 20 minutes and we got back on our way, but the pain just kept getting worse. After a couple more longer stops, we made it to I-75 but were not on it long before we had to pull over for me to throw up, the pain was getting so bad. Starting to get a little overwhelmed, we discussed looking for an Urgent Care. Getting off at the next exit, there was a hospital sign right at the bottom of the exit and with a quick right it was literally right there! Taking that as a sign that I’d better have it checked out, Shelley dropped me at the entrance and parked the car.

This is a good place to mention that in West Virginia, there is no ‘urgent’ in Urgent Care ... just saying. I’m not sure how long we waited to be seen, but I’m thinking it was at least an hour ... the pain was so intense, I could only pace the hallways while waiting, still throwing up from time-to-time. As I paced, I really struggled not to answer Self Pity knocking at my door. I fully recognized the situation as warfare, but frankly I’m just tired of it. It didn’t help that there were a couple of ‘locals’ also waiting to be seen who felt it necessary to offer their personal diagnoses of my condition ... ‘I’ll bet it’s your appendix’ ... ‘Have you ever had kidney stones’ ... ‘Honey, you don’t look good at all’ ... a couple of them even felt it necessary to expand on their thoughts to tell me that when they had THEIR appendix out, they were in the hospital several days and had a ‘huge incision that never fully healed’ ... Seriously! Can’t make these things up ...

As I paced, I prayed ... pleading for mercy, really. For this conference, I had spent the last few weeks preparing a couple of teachings on which I would be evaluated. Being faced with the possibility of missing the conference all together, my mind raced over details ... Should I send Shelley on to the conference alone? I don’t want her to miss her opportunity ... Could I make it another 45 minutes to Charleston where the hospitals were bigger and better? If I get admitted to the hospital, and send Shelley on, could anyone come down to be with me ... Can I do this alone?

As my mind jumped around, the Holy Spirit spoke softly ... Jill, remember the message in your talks ...

I thought 'good idea, I could be practicing during this delay' and immediately, my talks started coming back to me ... From my testimony, Job 42:1 ‘I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted.’ ... From my teaching on Genesis 1:1, ‘nothingness is precisely what God wants from us’ ... ‘until we realize our 'nothingness', we can never come face-to-face with Him, who hovers near and broods over us with anticipation ... ‘He brings order out of chaos’ ... ‘life out of death’ ... ‘light into darkness’ ... ‘greatness out of nothing’.

The question was, were these just talks or were these actual truths I could actually APPLY as chaos was again showing itself? The million dollar question: Did I believe what I was selling?

My 'practicing' turned to praying through those truths ... I wish I could report that my attitude immediately turned a 180, but I was still breathing through the pain when my name was finally called. After a blood draw, an exam, a CTscan and three shots of morphine (PRAISE GOD FOR DRUGS!) the diagnosis was official ... a kidney stone. Seriously ... can’t make this stuff up!

They assured me it was small enough to ‘process naturally’, so no need for anything but ‘meds to go’ (PRAISE GOD, both for the meds and the ‘to go’ part). So after the 4-hour tour of the ER, the morphine cocktail had dulled the pain and with a fist full of percocet and a promise of a ‘rolling stones’ weekend ahead (sorry, I know that was REALLY bad), we were back on the road! I was able to give into ‘lala land’ for a little bit and a couple hours later I was finally starting to feel well enough to offer to drive for a little bit, but for some reason Shelley seemed to think my slurred speech would raise concern if we were to be stopped. Yeah right, like we would ever be stopped!!

With poor Shelley doing it all herself, we finally made it safely to the hotel a little before 2am and what I believe to be the miracle of the weekend (WARNING, graphic detail ahead), I went potty and ‘tink, tink’ there was my rolling stone!! SIMPLY AMAZING! I have never heard of a stone being passed so quickly ... that is if you can call 12 stinkin hours of intense pain to be 'so quickly'!! I’m actually thinking of having it placed into a charm to remind me of God’s faithfulness ... NOT!!!!

My evaluations all went very well and I was VERY thankful to enjoy the weekend without learning how much time percocet adds to a timed talk. I received very positive feedback, but they didn't really have any other opportunities for speakers, which I thought they would. Those on the writer’s track had opportunity to meet with actual publishers, but there really wasn’t anyone like that for speakers to meet. It WAS really encouraging to learn that people other than just family and friends enjoyed and were challenged with the messages I shared. The Holy Spirit was also DEFINITELY present throughout the weekend and God gave me a lot to chew on with Him in the weeks to come. I guess what I need to do ‘next’ is just spend some time deciding if this is something in which I’m ready to step out. As terrified as I am to put this into type, I think the weekend did confirm for me that He IS calling me to do this, but having the courage to step out of the boat is a whole other Bible study.

And the Holy Spirit speaks softly ... Jill, remember the message of your talks ...

‘I know that God can do all things; no plan of His can be thwarted’ ... ‘nothingness is precisely what God wants from you, Jill’ ... ‘until you realize your 'nothingness', you can never come face-to-face with Him, who hovers near and broods over you with anticipation ... ‘He brings order out of your chaos’ ... ‘life out of death’ ... ‘light into your darkness’ ... ‘greatness out of your nothing’.

Nothingness. Can it really be all that He’s asking from me?

So I’m back to where I started with asking for your prayers before the weekend started (minus the kidney stone, of course) ... please continue to pray that I would remember my nothingness as I step out into what He’s calling me to do. I find it completely God-like of Him to speak a message into my heart that I ‘thought’ was for others, but ended up being for ME ... not just for this weekend, but for the path ahead. I wouldn’t be honest if I pretended that this idea of ‘nothingness’ didn’t completely terrify my, but at the same time it’s completely welcoming and almost familiar ... almost like it’s what has always been meant to be ... kind of like home.

Nothingness. Isn’t that something ...





[comment on this entry] [sign guestbook]

Prayer for nothing ...

Just sending out a real quick prayer request to those who have been following and praying for us. Tomorrow, I'm following through on a fleece I put out before God a few months ago. An opportunity came up to attend a conference where I could investigate and possibly pursue a speaking and writing ministry. The ability to go was blocked by other commitments I already had on my calendar, but over time, God closed those other doors and has seemingly opened this one, including providing the money to attend. So in keeping with 'my part of the deal', I'm taking door #3!! At this conference, I will get to meet with and talk to women who are already in speaking and writing ministries, as well as some 600 other gals who are like me and also feeling called to join them. I will also get a chance to be 'evaluated' as a speaker, which is both exciting and terrifying.

Even though so many have encouraged me to pursue this path, I want to be sure that God is in it and it's not just about me going after one more thing to fill or fix anything inside me. God has shown me that nothing outside of Him can fill those needs and I'm just no longer interested in pursuing anything else. One of the talks God has had me prepare to share for this conference is based on the Job 42:2 "I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted." My second talk is based on Genesis 1:1 and the reality of our nothingness before Him. Here's an excerpt from that teaching:

"Nothing is precisely what God wants from us. Until we realize our 'nothingness', we can never come face-to-face with Him, who hovers near and broods over us with anticipation. God is a Creator by nature; He brings order out of chaos, life out of death, light into darkness and greatness out of nothing. It is our formless, dark, empty, chaotic nothingness that allows us to draw near to the ever expansive love of Jesus, where He becomes our everything. We bring Him our nothingness and He exchanges it for His everything ... that's a pretty good deal! How great is our God!"

I don't believe it's a coincidence that He has had me practicing these concepts over and over this week in preparation for these teachings. This afternoon when I got home from a couple errands, there was a car parked in front of my house that had one bumper sticker on the window and it said 'Nothing is Everything' ... Isn't God funny!! Just in case I was thinking of tweaking anything last minute, He wanted to make sure that I've got this truth IN MY HEAD and my heart!! For it is only with my 'nothing' can He truly use me in His pursuit of His beloved.

I would appreciate your prayers for travel, as well as over the whole weekend, especially over my need to 'perform', rather than be who God wants me to be and say what God wants me to say. I know who I am without Him and it will take WAY more of Him than me to make this work.

I'm attending along with my Sis-in-Law (Shelley R) who is going to be participating in the 'writer's track' to also pursue what God has put on her heart. We leave tomorrow (Thurs). My evaluations are Friday and Saturday evening (not sure when Shelley's meetings are), and then we return late Sunday. I will keep you posted with how things go and, God willing, will have much to share with you from the refreshing, Spirit filled weekend!!

In Christ alone,
Jill




[comment on this entry] [sign guestbook]