I’m sorry for the blackout of information ... we’ve been busy ... but not too busy. I’ve been tired ... but not too tired. Frankly, I just haven’t had much to say and haven’t felt much like talking. Ever have that type of day? How about weeks? months? years? I’m just tired of talking, so I tried listening ... but listening takes patience and somewhere in the darkness, I decided that waiting is over-rated. I’ve been waiting on the Lord for a lot of things ... believing ... expecting ... and where am I? Still waiting. How long am I suppose to wait? When have I waited long enough?
Tonight, I turned on a movie while I was folding laundry ... The 2nd installment of Chronicles of Narnia - Prince Caspian. The kids were finally in bed and it was really too late to start a movie, but I need to return it tomorrow, so I just turned it on. To be honest, I wasn’t really in the mood for it, but part of me (probably the cheap part of me) didn’t want to return the movie unseen. How many of you know that God can move through ALL parts of your personality, including cheapness! What an awesome movie! I am so thankful my Jesus knows when I’ve sat in the darkness long enough and knows which Light to turn on ... the one that will not cause me to turn away, but instead the one that allows my eyes to open easily.
The movie was exactly what I needed to see ... to hear again that Aslan is on the move! For those who have been walking along side us for a while, you may remember that phrase, ‘Aslan is on the move’ ... it’s where our theme ‘God is on the Move’ came from, originating from the Narnia movies. The first movie is so full of symbolism and so much of it spoke to me throughout our walk last year, especially when we received our Easter miracle. I can not express what it felt like when God revealed to us that it was Jesus who took David’s place last year, when he was healed and able to come home ... in the movie, it is Aslan who gives His life in exchange for Edmond’s freedom, as we are reminded of our need for a Savior ... as the wages of sin is death.
In this second movie, the story was not at all what I expected ... The kids find themselves called back to Narnia only to find that the peace and happiness they left (accidentally), is no longer ... As a matter-of-fact, what has been just a year gone by in their ‘real lives’, has been centuries past in Narnia ... They find that all they knew and loved is long gone and they are only remembered as legends ... myths, really. They actually have to fight to remember if any of it was real, themselves. Throughout the movie, little Lucy keeps looking for, and from time-to-time catches glimpses of Aslan in the landscape ... but no one else sees Him and often scoffs as if He is not real, either ... ‘He has long abandoned Narnia’ is the comment more than once ... ‘Where is this Aslan of yours’ ...
I’m hearing that question a lot in my head these days, ‘Where is your God?’ It’s a good question and one that I’ve had trouble answering ...
Lucy cries out ‘I’m not crazy! I saw Him!’ ... familiar words once again. What to do with the question, ‘Where is your God?’ I know I’m not crazy! I know what I heard! I know what I saw! Where is my God? How long do I wait for the answer?
As the movie goes on, King Peter grows restless in the injustice that has grown in ‘his’ Narnia ... He buys into the lie that (1) it is HIS Narnia and (2) that if he had not left it, it would still be a place of peace because after all he was the one who brought peace to the land before, he can do it again. Little Lucy reminds him to remember that it was Aslan who defeated the witch, not him ... and Peter answers, ‘I think we’ve waited quite long enough for Aslan.’
With that comment, Peter leads the Narnians into war and they are defeated horribly ... bruised and beaten, some are wounded ... many are dead. But it is not over as now the enemy comes full force against them, knowing their numbers are reduced ... as they discuss ‘the plan’, little Lucy reminds them their only hope is in Aslan ... and FINALLY they agree and send her out to find him.
Isn’t it just like us to be in our darkest hour ... bruised and beaten, wounded ... and many of the people we know ... friends, friends of friends, and even family are dead and/or dying ... and EVEN THEN, we still think we have a plan that is better than His ... When will we get it that there IS NO PLAN better than His? I’ve got no plan. You’ve got no plan. We’ve got no plan. Nothing. We need to seek Him desperately and call out for Him to come and help us!
As Lucy rides for her life, ASLAN FINDS HER (by this time, I’m bawling) ... He finds her ... He was never far, but yet he allowed them to be defeated ... He allows her to ride quite a distance, being chased by the enemy ... but just as they got close enough, Aslan makes his move ... At first, it seemed like He might not have been himself and was actually going to attack Lucy, but instead He jumps over her head to take out the enemy as they were about to take her down. As she recovers from what just happened, she tentatively approaches him not sure she can trust him ... but as she realizes it IS HIM, she runs to Him and cries out ‘Oh Aslan, I knew it was you all along!’ and He says, ‘Why didn’t you come looking for me sooner, child?’ She responds, ‘No one believed me, but I knew it was you’ ... and He says, ‘Why should that have made a difference, Jill?’ ... Little Jill thought for a minute and says ‘Oh Aslan ... I am so sorry, please forgive me.’
How long do we wait? How long is too long? Friends, we wait until He comes. Period. He IS coming. He IS doing a NEW thing and while that might cause us to not recognize Him, it IS HIM! Our only role is to seek Him with all that we are and all that we have ... and then wait for Him to come. All along I’m thinking there’s something I’ve done or could do to make Him come faster, to fix things, to heal hearts, to make things right, to make sense of this world that makes no sense ... but it is HE that must do the work ... if there has been anything that has been me in the past, it is only because He has allowed me to be a part of HIS WORK ... all we can do is be ready for when He’s ready to move again. His character is to never leave us. His character is to never do nothing. While He often seems to wait until the very last minute, it is in those last minutes that we fully realize our need for Him so that IN THAT NEED, He is fulfilled. It is the NEED for Him that is glorifying, not our actions or words ... We simply have nothing else to offer Him that would even come close to how great our need is. While we may suffer anxiety as we are chased by the enemy in search to find Him, He is never but one leap away ... We may question if we see Him along the way ... but why should that matter? Don't let that keep us from seeking Him ... we know who He is ... we know He is coming ... and one thing guaranteed ... He is worth the wait!
HE IS COMING, Friends ... He is.
Come Lord Jesus, Come!
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Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
Here and now ...
Hi Friends,
Thank you for your continued prayers ... God is good and He continues to sustain and provide.
Tonight’s devotion with the kids went straight to my heart ...
Life continues to be busy and while I’m really hoping to slow down, soon, I’m also trying to look for God in it all. Over the past week, I’ve had the chance to ‘go deep’ with a couple family and friends and I feel like I’m getting a better feel for what God is doing ... or maybe a more accurate assessment is to say I’m getting a better PEACE in what God is doing ... I don’t claim to yet know WHAT or WHY, but I know He IS, and that’s becoming enough. As I was encouraging a friend in something she’s going through this week, I heard God give advice through me, that was actually FOR me, too! Have you ever had that happen to you, when He uses you to speak wisdom to yourself!?! You stand there saying something to someone, not knowing where the words are coming from, but knowing it’s truth and then you hear that voice that says ‘are you listening to what you’re saying, Jill??’ He does it to me A LOT, especially when I’m parenting the kids ... as if I need to be parented, or something!! He is an awesome God ... patient and kind. Well, this particular Word was to encourage her to look for Him in what she’s going through ... in the waiting ... in the wanting ... taking the situation as an OPPORTUNITY to learn something new about her God ... about my God. I’m starting to believe that my state of ‘confusion and numbness’ has been intentional ... maybe even an act of grace and mercy to get me to NOT move forward on my own ... to get me to hold still and to wait on Him. In this state, what else can I really do, but wait on Him ? Here I’m thinking I’m not moving forward because a gear has been stripped, or something worse has broken and/or in need of repair, but perhaps God has just shifted me to neutral to rest that engine a while as we ride this hill down together ... waiting on His perfect plan to be fulfilled.
Why is neutral so uncomfortable? What is it about rest that makes us so restless? While I love the beach, even when I’m on vacation, I find myself dreadfully counting the days until we have to go home! WHAT IS THE PROBLEM! Why is it difficult to stay in the day ... fully immersed in His provision ... in His kindness ... His glory? No wonder it’s difficult to pray for and receive our daily bread ... we are so used to buying 3 loaves when we shop: 1 to use, 1 ‘in case’ and 1 to freeze ... how much better is the bread when it’s fresh, and made daily? MUCH BETTER, and we certainly know that satan doesn't want us to have any of that!!
Father, forgive me for missing all that you have for me in ‘neutral’ ... forgive me for missing your intimate gifts of ‘today’ ... all the little things that you do for me that are meant to be fresh and meant to delight me in each moment of ‘now’. Forgive me for looking past your shoulder for what ‘is to be’, instead of looking into your eyes for what ‘is’. Please help me to submit to your gentle leading ... to your 'here', and 'now'. I don’t want to miss a thing and I know there is more ... please help me to not only rest in the unknown, but to recognize that it is YOUR unknown ... and to become unaware, that it's even there.
More Lord, more ...
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Thank you for your continued prayers ... God is good and He continues to sustain and provide.
Tonight’s devotion with the kids went straight to my heart ...
Isaiah 40:11 ... He will feed his flock like a shepherd. He will carry the lambs in his arms, holding them close to his heart. He will gently lead the mother sheep with their young.And that is exactly what I feel He is doing ... carrying ... holding His lambs close ... and gently leading their Mom ... everything a good shepherd does. And so I add to my List of Truths (see right margin), a reminder of God’s character: He is a good shepherd.
Life continues to be busy and while I’m really hoping to slow down, soon, I’m also trying to look for God in it all. Over the past week, I’ve had the chance to ‘go deep’ with a couple family and friends and I feel like I’m getting a better feel for what God is doing ... or maybe a more accurate assessment is to say I’m getting a better PEACE in what God is doing ... I don’t claim to yet know WHAT or WHY, but I know He IS, and that’s becoming enough. As I was encouraging a friend in something she’s going through this week, I heard God give advice through me, that was actually FOR me, too! Have you ever had that happen to you, when He uses you to speak wisdom to yourself!?! You stand there saying something to someone, not knowing where the words are coming from, but knowing it’s truth and then you hear that voice that says ‘are you listening to what you’re saying, Jill??’ He does it to me A LOT, especially when I’m parenting the kids ... as if I need to be parented, or something!! He is an awesome God ... patient and kind. Well, this particular Word was to encourage her to look for Him in what she’s going through ... in the waiting ... in the wanting ... taking the situation as an OPPORTUNITY to learn something new about her God ... about my God. I’m starting to believe that my state of ‘confusion and numbness’ has been intentional ... maybe even an act of grace and mercy to get me to NOT move forward on my own ... to get me to hold still and to wait on Him. In this state, what else can I really do, but wait on Him ? Here I’m thinking I’m not moving forward because a gear has been stripped, or something worse has broken and/or in need of repair, but perhaps God has just shifted me to neutral to rest that engine a while as we ride this hill down together ... waiting on His perfect plan to be fulfilled.
Why is neutral so uncomfortable? What is it about rest that makes us so restless? While I love the beach, even when I’m on vacation, I find myself dreadfully counting the days until we have to go home! WHAT IS THE PROBLEM! Why is it difficult to stay in the day ... fully immersed in His provision ... in His kindness ... His glory? No wonder it’s difficult to pray for and receive our daily bread ... we are so used to buying 3 loaves when we shop: 1 to use, 1 ‘in case’ and 1 to freeze ... how much better is the bread when it’s fresh, and made daily? MUCH BETTER, and we certainly know that satan doesn't want us to have any of that!!
Father, forgive me for missing all that you have for me in ‘neutral’ ... forgive me for missing your intimate gifts of ‘today’ ... all the little things that you do for me that are meant to be fresh and meant to delight me in each moment of ‘now’. Forgive me for looking past your shoulder for what ‘is to be’, instead of looking into your eyes for what ‘is’. Please help me to submit to your gentle leading ... to your 'here', and 'now'. I don’t want to miss a thing and I know there is more ... please help me to not only rest in the unknown, but to recognize that it is YOUR unknown ... and to become unaware, that it's even there.
More Lord, more ...
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Sunday, May 3, 2009
Is He enough ...
Hi Friends,
It’s been a busy week and I’ve had a hard timing getting any free moments to think, let alone to write. Each night it has been my intention to post an update, but once the kids are in bed, it’s been hard for me to keep my eyes open much longer than to brush my teeth and fall into bed myself ... still so tired and our full days and short nights are not really working towards catching up on that rest ... on most days though, He is continuing to sustain and provide and for that, I am thankful.
The kids are doing well ... although they, too, need more rest. Baseball is in full swing for the boys, putting us at the baseball fields 5 days/evenings out of our week! It is also taking a little longer to get things done these days and even though I aim to get home and get them into bed before 9:00, it’s consistently been 10 or later for several weeks now and I won’t even tell you how long it’s been since they’ve had a bath! Really looking forward to summer days that include a swimming pool so they are at least getting SOME form of water over their bodies :) Hey, don’t act like you don’t count that, too! :) I am hopeful that things WILL eventually slow down and we’ll get into ‘normal’ again soon.
Emotionally, I’ve been really struggling this week ... I don’t know why it took me off guard, but apparently that revelation last week on being fully dependent on God ushered in a full load of trials this week ... new and old ... and I find myself at the foot of another hill, hearing the same question that I’ve been hearing through the Spirit for quite some time, now ... ‘Am I enough? In all that you need, in all that you’re going through, am I enough?’
I had not realized how dependent I had grown on people and things, other than God, until so many had been taken from me these past few weeks, only to leave a canyon size hole that I’m now desperately trying to fill once again with more things, other than God. Why isn’t He enough? Is it the matter of waiting? Would He be enough, if I would just be patient long enough to wait for Him? But how long is too long to wait and what do I do with this emptiness until then? Or is it the matter of the type of filling? Is He ready and wanting to fill, but I’m too afraid of what He might have for me to fill these holes, so I try to fill it with other things that I think are better ... or easier?
I was challenged by a thought at the end of one of my devotions the other day ... ‘When you lose your heart and Another takes it, and you lose your desires and He takes them, then you live in that sunshine of bliss that no mortal can ever find.’
Pretty ‘heady’, but as I’ve mediated on it, I think there might be something here ... the words ‘Another’ and ‘He’ were capitalized, so I’m pretty sure the author was referring to God ... If we lose our heart and our desires to God, and/or if He takes them, then we live in ‘sunshine of bliss’ that no mortal can find. The words ‘sunshine’ and ‘bliss’ seem contradicting to the words ‘loss of your heart’ and ‘loss of your desires’. Is it possible that our worldly hearts and our worldly desires are actually holding us back, keeping us from a special place of bliss with the Lord? Is it possible that losing our heart and our desires could actually be good for us, because I'll be honest, I feel like I’ve lost both and I’m not feeling so good about it, at all ... could it actually be a step towards ‘single-mindedness’ that we know He desires for us?
A few days later, in the same devotional, the author refers to God’s intention for His Creation in this thought ... ‘God had no thought in Creation but to bring forth through mortality a natural order so that you might be quickened in the Spirit, be received into glory and worship God in a way that the angels never could. But in order for that to be, He has brought us through the flesh and quickened us by the Spirit so that we may know the love, the grace, the power, and all the perfect will of God.’
Whew ... more heady stuff ... what I think He is saying here is that God’s intention for us, as His Creation, is to know Him in a way that no other creature would or could ... in a way that would lead us to worship Him like no other creature can ... not even the angels ... but the only way for Him to reveal Himself to us in this very special way is to bring us through mortality, in the flesh, so that we can be quickened (to be made active, restored, aroused, stimulated) by the Spirit so that we may know HIS love, HIS grace, HIS power, HIS perfect will ... like no other creature is able to know Him.
WOW!
Friends, I still don’t know where I’m at with all of this ... I still have lots of questions and emptiness that I’m trying to fill and to be honest, I’m not sure how long I’m going to have to wait for Him to fill it ... It’s a pretty big hole ... but I do know He is able. I am also thankful to know that this intense pain that I’m experiencing is meant for good and will be used for good and I think I’m learning that it is also intended for me to learn something new about my God ... about His love, His grace, His power and His perfect will ... all of the holes in our lives are God-shaped ... and I believe God-intended ... intended to draw us closer to Him, not away from Him ... to bring us closer so that He may reveal something of Himself to us ... something special ... something loving, powerful, perfect and full of grace so that we might then be restored, aroused and stimulated by the Spirit ... ultimately to bring Him glory and worship. I’m not quite there yet, but every-now-and-then I get a taste of the truth behind it ... it tastes like freedom, joy and peace all wrapped together and it makes me want more. I want so badly for Him TO BE enough because I know that He is unchanging and I’m just so tired of investing in things that are temporal. I’m ready to invest in things that are eternal ... and I know He’s all that.
So, more Lord ... more
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It’s been a busy week and I’ve had a hard timing getting any free moments to think, let alone to write. Each night it has been my intention to post an update, but once the kids are in bed, it’s been hard for me to keep my eyes open much longer than to brush my teeth and fall into bed myself ... still so tired and our full days and short nights are not really working towards catching up on that rest ... on most days though, He is continuing to sustain and provide and for that, I am thankful.
The kids are doing well ... although they, too, need more rest. Baseball is in full swing for the boys, putting us at the baseball fields 5 days/evenings out of our week! It is also taking a little longer to get things done these days and even though I aim to get home and get them into bed before 9:00, it’s consistently been 10 or later for several weeks now and I won’t even tell you how long it’s been since they’ve had a bath! Really looking forward to summer days that include a swimming pool so they are at least getting SOME form of water over their bodies :) Hey, don’t act like you don’t count that, too! :) I am hopeful that things WILL eventually slow down and we’ll get into ‘normal’ again soon.
Emotionally, I’ve been really struggling this week ... I don’t know why it took me off guard, but apparently that revelation last week on being fully dependent on God ushered in a full load of trials this week ... new and old ... and I find myself at the foot of another hill, hearing the same question that I’ve been hearing through the Spirit for quite some time, now ... ‘Am I enough? In all that you need, in all that you’re going through, am I enough?’
I had not realized how dependent I had grown on people and things, other than God, until so many had been taken from me these past few weeks, only to leave a canyon size hole that I’m now desperately trying to fill once again with more things, other than God. Why isn’t He enough? Is it the matter of waiting? Would He be enough, if I would just be patient long enough to wait for Him? But how long is too long to wait and what do I do with this emptiness until then? Or is it the matter of the type of filling? Is He ready and wanting to fill, but I’m too afraid of what He might have for me to fill these holes, so I try to fill it with other things that I think are better ... or easier?
I was challenged by a thought at the end of one of my devotions the other day ... ‘When you lose your heart and Another takes it, and you lose your desires and He takes them, then you live in that sunshine of bliss that no mortal can ever find.’
Pretty ‘heady’, but as I’ve mediated on it, I think there might be something here ... the words ‘Another’ and ‘He’ were capitalized, so I’m pretty sure the author was referring to God ... If we lose our heart and our desires to God, and/or if He takes them, then we live in ‘sunshine of bliss’ that no mortal can find. The words ‘sunshine’ and ‘bliss’ seem contradicting to the words ‘loss of your heart’ and ‘loss of your desires’. Is it possible that our worldly hearts and our worldly desires are actually holding us back, keeping us from a special place of bliss with the Lord? Is it possible that losing our heart and our desires could actually be good for us, because I'll be honest, I feel like I’ve lost both and I’m not feeling so good about it, at all ... could it actually be a step towards ‘single-mindedness’ that we know He desires for us?
A few days later, in the same devotional, the author refers to God’s intention for His Creation in this thought ... ‘God had no thought in Creation but to bring forth through mortality a natural order so that you might be quickened in the Spirit, be received into glory and worship God in a way that the angels never could. But in order for that to be, He has brought us through the flesh and quickened us by the Spirit so that we may know the love, the grace, the power, and all the perfect will of God.’
Whew ... more heady stuff ... what I think He is saying here is that God’s intention for us, as His Creation, is to know Him in a way that no other creature would or could ... in a way that would lead us to worship Him like no other creature can ... not even the angels ... but the only way for Him to reveal Himself to us in this very special way is to bring us through mortality, in the flesh, so that we can be quickened (to be made active, restored, aroused, stimulated) by the Spirit so that we may know HIS love, HIS grace, HIS power, HIS perfect will ... like no other creature is able to know Him.
WOW!
Friends, I still don’t know where I’m at with all of this ... I still have lots of questions and emptiness that I’m trying to fill and to be honest, I’m not sure how long I’m going to have to wait for Him to fill it ... It’s a pretty big hole ... but I do know He is able. I am also thankful to know that this intense pain that I’m experiencing is meant for good and will be used for good and I think I’m learning that it is also intended for me to learn something new about my God ... about His love, His grace, His power and His perfect will ... all of the holes in our lives are God-shaped ... and I believe God-intended ... intended to draw us closer to Him, not away from Him ... to bring us closer so that He may reveal something of Himself to us ... something special ... something loving, powerful, perfect and full of grace so that we might then be restored, aroused and stimulated by the Spirit ... ultimately to bring Him glory and worship. I’m not quite there yet, but every-now-and-then I get a taste of the truth behind it ... it tastes like freedom, joy and peace all wrapped together and it makes me want more. I want so badly for Him TO BE enough because I know that He is unchanging and I’m just so tired of investing in things that are temporal. I’m ready to invest in things that are eternal ... and I know He’s all that.
So, more Lord ... more
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