When there is good ...

I was caught off guard by the emotions that came as I watched Emma try on the dress she would be wearing in David’s cousin’s wedding at the end of the month. She was just so big as she happily chattered about what flower girls do and so beautiful as she twisted and turned in front of the mirror, attempting to get a view of the big bow down her back. As she twirled, my heart compressed as I fought back the ache of wishing David could be a part of the moment ... our little girl as flower girl in Elaine’s wedding, who was the flower girl at our wedding ... and in that way your mind plays tricks on you, I pictured David walking into the room, snatching her up and twirling her around in his playful way, teasing her with how it’s not nice of the flower girl to be more beautiful than the bride! Tickling and kissing, as she laughed and squealed in protest ...

‘Mommy, why are you smiling?’, was the phrase that brought me back to the moment. ‘You’re just so beautiful and I was thinking of how Daddy would just be eating you up, ‘LIKE THIS!! ... and I tackled her with the hugs and kisses I knew David would have had for her.

I held onto that ache for a while that day ... I know that he has the ‘best seat in the house’ and quite often really, I hear him say ‘baby, I’m not missing a thing’ and while that does bring great comfort, I feel like it’s ME who is missing everything by not being able to share in these things with him ... hearing his laugh, seeing his smile, watching the kids benefit from the carefree way he loved me for so long ...

And then the revelation came ... when there is good, that is Him.

I don’t know about your walk with the Lord, but I sometimes struggle with feeling His presence. I’ve had those amazing moments in worship when I’m overwhelmed with the awe and fullness of everything He is! And I’ve had those moments when my insides shake as I’m talking with someone about what God is doing or that Jesus is coming soon ... but what I long for is that daily presence ... the companionship ... the consistent knowing that He’s in the house, or even right beside me, ALL the time.

James 1:17 says ‘all good things come from above’ ... It’s one of my favorite verses, and actually the one that David and I used at our wedding in attempt to express how we felt about each other: all good and from above. It’s really such a simple truth that I wonder if we’ve overlooked it altogether. So many times I struggle to know where God is and often insist that if I could just SEE Him or just FEEL Him, I could be more faithful ... and right there is this simple truth in James 1, ‘all good things come from above’ ... For the A+B=C person that I am, another way to look at it is all good = from above. So when you have that great conversation with your friend, the one when it’s time to pick up the kids ALREADY and you feel like you’ve just said ‘hello!’ ... that’s not only FROM Him, but that IS Him ... that’s His presence! When the dinner table conversation leads to giggles over the truth that you’ve snorted milk out of your nose, too ... that’s not just FROM Him, THAT is Him ... Okay, that one’s a reach, but you know what I’m trying to illustrate :) Just to be clear, when the conversation ends with yelling over snorted milk, that IS NOT Him!! :) Just clarifying, in case there's confusion ... When there is good, THAT is Him.

This revelation has really helped me in the fight for faith because for me, one of the biggest battles is questioning what is and what isn’t from Him. This week has been filled with devastating news of more destruction in the world through earthquakes, floods and fires and while we know these things must come to pass before the Lord’s return (Luke 21), in every single unthinkable event, there is something good going on. Every single time. I’ve been really struggling how to pray through these world events because in complete transparency, my heart is saying “BRING IT!!!! COME, LORD COME!!!” I was confiding in a friend that something HAS to be wrong when news of an earthquake and tsunami puts me in a GOOD mood!?!?! Is anyone with me on that, or not?! Okay, never mind then ... reality is that this recent devastation in Japan has killed thousands of people who did not know the Lord ... those are lost souls.

So how should we pray? In that chapter of Luke when Jesus tells us these things must happen, what does He say to do in that time? “Stand up and lift up your heads, because your redemption is drawing near” (Luke 21:23) ... So maybe my good mood isn’t completely sadistic because redemption IS the good news in this story and that IS Him and for Him, we SHOULD be crying out, ‘COME!!’ But not just for ourselves, we should be crying out for this gift of redemption for all those remaining ... that all who are watching these events have eyes to see Him, and all who have ears would hear His voice calling unto them ... and when we cry out, ‘God where are you’, just knowing that He IS the good in every situation should cause a desperation in us to seek and find what that good is in these times. Instead of dwelling in the ‘yuck’ of our days, we should be desperately searching for the good in it, because where there is good, that is where He is.

My business is really struggling and frankly, it’s not as fun as it used to be. Often, I have considered just closing it down and being done with it ... I think probably more because I just miss what it used to be. But each day that I consider that, I’m reminded that for some reason the bank account continues to support me and there is no reasonable business principle to explain it. I’m the only one left on staff and we can’t afford to advertise and by all accounts the industry is struggling so much that it shouldn’t be able to support us, either ... But God! And in that realization that it’s God who is sustaining the business ... even though it’s not always fun ... I make the decision that I’d rather be where I know God is, then to be where I don’t. I’ve decided that until I can no longer see Him in it, this is where I’m to be. When there is good, that IS Him.

When we were in the hospital with David, the days before he joined the Lord’s presence were very intense as his vital signs bounced all over the place. One particular night, we had sent out urgent prayer requests as his oxygen levels and blood pressure struggled to stabilize. I received a phone call from David’s Aunt who had received what she felt strongly was a Word from God ... “This is the night of the New Day! Rejoice and be Glad!” ... my spirit just soared with hope and joy and an uncontainable excitement that God was indeed answering our prayers!! She continued that she then heard David saying to her, “Because now I am a part of the love and peace that passes your understanding” ... At the time, even though I don’t think my mind and heart received what that truth meant for the situation, my Spirit was filled with joy for what God was doing ... It was not the first time He had spoken of a ‘New Day’ and here was a declaration that this was it!!! I remember that David’s Aunt was hesitant to share the Word with me because she didn’t know if it was ‘good news’ or not, and I now believe that perhaps that was the night that David started to leave us ... Regardless, I’m so very thankful for that Word given that night ... as with many things received during that time in my walk, I’m still sorting through much of it and as my heart continues to heal, those particular Words now bring great comfort to me in many ways ... First, it’s another encounter that reminds me GOD IS REAL and He does speak! His love and peace ARE real, and both are beyond our understanding ... Secondly, that David is a part of that now and while that has obvious comfort, what it really means to me is that when there is good, David is right there in it. Not just observing, but HE IS IN IT, he’s now A PART OF IT ... and that, too is beyond our understanding.

When I first received this revelation of ‘when there is good, that is Him’, I immediately thought it meant ‘Him’ with a capital ‘H’, meaning God. And while I’m sure that is a true statement, as Jesus has walked with me through the journaling, the gift He has given me is the understanding that ‘him’ also means David, too ... wherever there is good, Jesus is there and wherever Jesus is, David is with Him ... they are inseparable now, as is the promise to all of us for that day we join His presence. Can you imagine?!!! My Spirit just leapt again!

So this morning as I sit quietly in His presence, placing a couple more of His pieces into my puzzle, I start to remember many good things that have happened over the past couple years ... things that I never wanted to call good because David wasn’t there ... but in Jesus’ infinite kindness and gentleness, He is showing me a new way of seeing good. All those times that God kisses my checks with His sunshine, or brings me a beautiful angel or heart in the clouds, or refreshes my soul with laughter over something the kids have said or done, those are not just good moments from Him that David is observing from afar, but those are times I AM SHARING with David ... they are meant to be times when I can be with him again for a moment, rather than times to miss him ... all things good are from above and David is now a part of that.

Kind of gives a whole new meaning to the words “God is good”, doesn’t it? I know how it's changed the way I view good and how I seek good ... and for that, I'm very thankful.





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