Hi Friends ... thank you for your constant prayers as we continue to put one foot in front of the other ... Over the past few weeks, this path has been both slippery and steep as it has seemed like we’ve been walking in some dark weather recently (see prayer requests at the end) ... but, day by day, we move forward, asking, seeking and receiving God’s mercy and grace with each step.
Since I’ve last updated, we’ve had a lot going on ... experiencing a lot of ‘firsts’ and revisiting just as many ‘memories’ ... David’s birthday ... Emma’s preschool graduation ... a family wedding ... Isaac’s first home run ... Sam’s toothless grin ... vacationing at the Florida house with my family ... packing and traveling as a single parent ... Father’s Day ... tears still come often and easily, but we also try to get some laughs in there, too. It’s crazy how I’m constantly trying to reign in my emotions as they seem to be swinging all over the place and hyper-sensitive, to boot ... when my heart hurts, it doesn’t just hurt, it feels like it’s folding into itself ... when someone does something kind for us, I’m not just appreciative, I’m simply overwhelmed ... when the kids cuddle in, it’s not enough to hold them, I want to fold myself around them, surrounding them in one big protective bubble ...
It’s a constant walk and sometimes it feels like we’re walking in a snow storm where it takes 3 or 4 steps in the slushy stuff to feel like you’ve moved forward at all ... but in His amazing way, God continues to know what we need and provide everything just as we need it. These past couple of weeks, He knew that I would need a heavy dose of His presence, as He blessed me with different opportunities to get away to spend some time in Worship and sound teaching ... The first thing I’ve learned is that I can not afford to be out of His presence because when I’m in it, life makes sense ... when I’m not, I’m a mess! In His presence, He continues to confirm what He’s been saying to us all along ... ‘you have heard’ ... ‘I’m doing a new thing’ ... ‘I’m coming’ ... ‘be ready’. These Words have been like large directional signs along the path, encouraging me that we ARE going the right way, we just need to keep coming. Can anyone agree with me on how comforting it is when a directional sign pops up on a road where you’ve been lost, confirming you’re going the right way?!? More fuel for our crazy bus, to say the least, so we continue to look upward and call out ‘Come Lord, Come!’
This past weekend, Father’s Day was especially difficult for me ... It started weeks ago as our world is crazy with the consumer marketing ... You can not go anywhere or do anything without being reminded to ‘not forget Dad’ ... I knew it was not going to be easy to ignore this holiday, but never before in my life have I had so much compassion for the fatherless and how it feels to be reminded that you do not have a Dad. (The next time we’re inundated with this type of holiday marketing, say a prayer for those whose hearts are hurting with each reminder.) At first, I tried to protect the kids from it and then I decided that I wasn’t going to let satan gain a foothold, so I decided to talk about it and ask them how they wanted to celebrate their Dad. We had some ideas, but satan kept working on me through my emotions ... anger ... sadness ... regret ... roaring like a lion, devouring much of the ground that had been won back over the past few months. But as I watched my kids on Sunday, unselfishly supporting their cousins as they celebrated their Dads and unselfishly celebrating their Grandpas, too, it was obvious to me that something Heavenly was going on ... that their heavenly Father was standing in the gap for them, just like David used to do for them, too!
I’m not really sure if the kids truly understand how divinely they are being cared for, but to me (and others) I know that the only way to explain their peace and their joy is to give God all the glory for it. No other way to explain it. It got me thinking about Father’s Day and where our focus SHOULD be. I am very blessed to have two very Godly, earthly Dads (Mine and David’s), but unfortunately, I know that is not the norm for many. But, even WITH Godly father figures here on Earth, the truth is that we can not rely on them to be all that we long for a Dad to be ... Our Creator has placed in us the longing to be protected ... the longing to be provided for ... to be loved and encouraged unconditionally ... to have access to worldly wisdom when we don’t know what to do ... to be forgiven when we make a mess of things and to be held when we hurt ... to be accepted by laughing at our dumb knock-knock jokes and to show us that they want to be with us by playing with us on the beach or in the pool ... as great of a Dad that David was (and he truly was the best Dad!), he could never be everything that Isaac, Sam and Emma would need him to be ... not completely. I’m not saying that they are better off, trust me, I’m not even close to that thought, but what I’m trying to say is that when we put our hopes and dreams, our needs and longings into earthly things ... including people ... we are setting ourselves up for huge disappointments because people are not capable of filling the needs and the longings that God, Himself, has placed in us ... Only HE can do that. Isaac, Sam and Emma (and myself, too) are learning that only God can be there for them all the time, forever, every single time that they need Him. It was a revelation to me as I struggle to recreate myself to be what I think they were getting from David ... But no matter how I try, I can’t be what they need from a Father and I need to start teaching them that when they have a need or a longing that is not being met, they need to seek God whole-heartedly for it ... I can’t protect them from getting hurt, I can’t provide for them all their needs because I don’t KNOW all their needs ... It is a part of God’s plan to create these needs, these dreams, these longings in us so that we will come to Him to be filled ... only He can fill us because only He truly knows what we were created to need. People come and go in our lives, but God never leaves us ... People’s hearts change with the wind, but God’s heart is constant ... People will disappoint because they are not CAPABLE of providing all that we need ... but hope in the Lord will never disappoint (Isaiah 49:23). When we feel disappointed and/or a need not being filled, that needs to be our cue to seek God for it, as He is just longing to be all that we need.
A friend who has recently lost her son mentioned that as she worships, she often stops to listen to everyone singing around her and wonders what it must sound like in Heaven (which reminds me, Lynn, I’m sorry I’ve not responded to your email YET but you touched my heart!) ... I just smiled, because I have found myself often doing the same thing ... My thoughts seem to turn upward so often these days, especially as I have participated in these different conferences lately ... What does David hear? What does he see? More importantly, does he get to see Our Father delighting in these things, too? Oh, how awesome it would be to WITNESS our Lord and Savior delighting in what we offer up to Him ... to see the buzz in the heavenlies as worship gets ready to begin or how the clouds open for the praises to ascend ... to see the moment as He opens the gift of praise or the moment when a prayer first hits His ear ... or when the first tear falls into His hands ... how awesome it must be to witness the delight of the Lord. It really has changed the way I think in many ways ... I’ve become completely convinced that the things that make it to His throne are determined by the condition of the heart from which it is sent ... and, so I’m on a mission to purify the condition of my heart ... I realize I have so little else to give, I don't want anything to get lost from here to there!
This Father’s Day, we did celebrate our earthly Fathers, as well as our cousins’ and friends’ Dads, too ... but my favorite gift was the one I sent upward to my Father in Heaven, as I surrendered a few more longings and needs ... and dreams that I didn’t realize I was still holding on to ... and then I closed my eyes and watched my Father open my heart gifts, while David looked on, smiling, of course. The heavenlies were a buzz and the music played on and on ... and not surprisingly, He gave me something in return ... as is His way ... in return, He gave me a piece of my heart back ... fully restored ...because He is good.
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Prayer requests ...
Please continue to pray for the kids and our transition of life ... I’ve also been hesitant to ask for prayer for something as I’m just tired of the drama, but I know it is not God that is telling me not to ask for prayer ... so ... over the past couple of weeks, our small business was named in a lawsuit. It is related to the eBay store we were a part of for a short period and it has been hanging over our heads for 3-4 years, now ... from the moment we knew about the possible liability, God has given us peace and even though papers have now been filed, I still have peace ... but as I've learned over the past couple of years, peace does not necessarily mean that it will turn out the way that I want it to, but it does mean that God is in this and He knows what is best ... So, we surrender to His will ... ask for His grace and mercy ... Ask for His truths to be revealed, for protection against anything set out to destroy His plan for us or to keep His glory from being revealed ... to give us Words to speak, Light to see the path before us and His Peace that passes understanding ... oh yes, and endurance too ... Come Lord, Come!
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
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